Thursday, January 8, 2009

Teen pregnancy spokesperson

A friend of mine is a PE teacher at a local high school. Part of her job is teaching the sex-ed course. Talking with her on New Year's Eve got me to thinking that I should become a spokesperson against teen pregnancy because there are just some things that classes and books do not prepare you for.

You will never know sleep again. The books talk about the first few months. It doesn’t stop there. Kids don’t understand the concept of sleeping in. And just when you think they are old enough to just sit and quietly watch television while you get just 30 minutes more, you wake up to find your white kitchen cabinets have become the canvas for their latest Sharpie masterpiece.

You know how you like to just “run into the store to pick up something”? You are better off to just grow, make, sew, or harvest it in your own backyard. It’s a lot less stressful and will probably save you time.

If you have a favorite outfit, you will have to put it in a shadow box to admire it. As soon as you wear it, someone will pee, blow snot, throw up, make a poo or take a Sharpie to it. Not that you will be dressing up and going anywhere nice for the first 5 years.

You will pee your pants. All. The. Time. After giving birth to two 9 lb. children, I have learned that I cannot laugh, sneeze, cough, throw up, jump on a trampoline, do a jumping jack, do a sit up, yawn, stand up too quickly, or a variety of otherwise innocent everyday tasks without peeing my pants. And if you do have the good fortune of going out for drinks with a friend, save yourself the embarrassment and just go ahead and put the poise pad in before you leave the house (p.s. you’re days of wearing thongs will also become a distant memory – pantie lines are the new black.)

At some point, you’re perfectly highlighted-Chi-ironed hair will end up with poo in it. There’s really no way to predict this one, but it will happen most likely when you are out in public.

And lastly, I would leave them with this two word surprise – mucus plug.

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