Parenting lesson #740

Always expect the unexpected when you ask the question, how did your day go.

I'm beginning to think that watching bad comedy movies while rocking Baby Bear to sleep when he was still an infant may not have been the best idea. I've mentioned several times before that he tends to do things seen in Napoleon Dynamite. But today, he switched movies on me.

ME: How did your day go, did you have any poopie problems.

*NOTE* for context, we have had some serious poopie problems in our house for the past 5 days.

BB: Well...I went poop in my pants. And I kept my poopie pants on ALL DAY LONG. {Said in a proud-as-can-be tone}

ME: You have extra underwear, you could have changed them.

BB: NOPE! And it is all over my underwear.

ME: {Shakes head}

At this point, I think the responsible parenting skills were supposed to kick in and I was supposed to give him a speech about good hygiene. Instead, immature adult self showed up and caused me to call my sister to share in the good fun.

If you've not seen Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, here is the clip that I am referring to.

Parenting Lesson #288

It really pays to plan ahead.

Me: We're running late. You need to pick out your own clothes and get dressed.

Baby Bear: K!

Me: I'll meet everyone outside.



Me: Really?

Baby Bear: Yep.

Parenting Lesson #12

The saying "Patience is a virtue" becomes your mantra after having children.


I have learned to accept a ton of things and to be patient as a parent.

Coloring on the walls - check
Using finger nail polish to paint the carpet - check
Peeing on the floor - check
Throwing food - check
Crying in public - check
Constant bickering between the two of them - check
Never liking any food put in front of them - check
Hiding lunch meat in the closets - check

And the list just goes on.

However...

Baby Bear has started this thing where he talks like Carol Channing and it drives me bananas. He loves to make his sister laugh and has an assortment of voices that he will use to entertain her.

But this one...makes.me.crazy.

It seemed like a good idea

We aren’t a family that travels. Someday maybe, but now just is not the right time. This is largely influenced by what I have experienced when we do simple things like grocery shop, go to restaurants or the mall.

This past weekend, we decided to throw common sense out the window and go for a family get away to Branson, MO. Branson is largely targeted towards older, country lovin’, Bible totin’, American made adults. The town is packed during the summers, but tends to be a ghost town this time of year. Perfect for a visit from the caravan of crazy.

Our first night, we ate at a restaurant with the absolute worst food I have ever had in my entire life (that includes some of my own personal kitchen disasters). That really set the tone for the evening.

We got to our hotel and had promised the kids they could go swimming. As I was in the bathroom getting ready, I hear a shout from outside the door – “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.” This is not an uncommon phrase for a mom to hear, so I did not see any reason to stop assessing the damage having two kids and eating like a front lineman has done to my body admiring my swimsuit model appearance in the mirror. But note – it was not more than 60 seconds later when I opened the door to what appeared to be green baby food on the floor and a sassy mouthed 5 year old “See, I told you I had to go.”

Are you kidding me? You pooped on the floor?! Who does that?!

And it only got better…

After swimming, we were getting changed and Baby Bear kept asking for a cup of juice. Again, a very common request in our house, so no need to rush. And out of no where, fruit juice, mac-n-cheese and mini corn dogs came spewing out of his little belly, (coincidentally, in the exact spot where the green turd surprise had been dropped off an hour earlier.)

We had picked our sleeping partners during the drive down, and Baby Bear had elected to sleep in my bed. Up until, the puking started, I had been happy with this arrangement. He continued to throw up two more times during the night, resulting in a couple calls down to the front desk for fresh linens.

Add the Branson Marriott to the list of places we can never visit again.

The next day, everyone appeared to be back to normal so we spent the day site seeing and then checked into the water park hotel in the late afternoon. The water park was mediocre at best, but the kids had the best time playing.

That night, I awoke to what I thought smelled like dog poo, but we had not brought any pets with us. I roll over to check on Baby Bear and got a hand full of poo.

Add the Branson Grand Country Inn to the list of places we can never visit again.

Lesson learned: There is no place like home and we will not be booking that trip to Disney any time soon.

Parenting lesson #25

"Let's take the Christmas card picture at home this year!"

Never a good idea.

Parenting lesson #560

Children have a built-in auto responder to the question, "Do you have to go to the bathroom."

Two days in a row, I have fallen for the auto response of "No."

Two days in a row, I have had to take off Baby Bear's coat, clothes, socks, etc.; find a new outfit for him; step in a puddle of pee; clean the floor and be completely annoyed with myself for not double checking to make sure he went the bathroom before putting on his coat.

Have I mentioned how much I love my new morning routine?

Parenting lesson #238

Anything you do not want the children to repeat will become their new favorite catch phrase.

The kids have recently picked up on two phrases that I would really prefer they would just forget. They use them over and over. First thing in the morning, I get to hear it. While we're driving to school, I get to hear it.

The first phrase came about during the Olympics. Fortunately, it's not the Buzz Lightyear song. There is a cell phone commercial where a family has gone on a vacation to the beach and it turns out it's a nude beach. One of the kids in the commercial can be heard saying "Why's everybody naked?"

And so it began.

Every night like clock work, as everyone prepares for bath time high pitched toddlers shouting "why's everybody naked?" can be heard from our home. I've started shutting all of the windows so that the neighbors don't start to think we have some weird ceremony going on within our suburban home.

The second phrase was only picked up because it has the word 'poop' in it. To a child, anything involving excrement is immediately classified as hilarious. A couple of weeks ago I was getting ready to take my dog for a walk, when A. shouted "before you go for a walk you might want to grab a poop bag."

M-I-S-T-A-K-E

Now with this particular phrase, the kids have found a way to work it into ALL conversations.

ME: Why don't you go pick out some books to read.
BABY BEAR: Before you go for a walk, you might want to grab a poop bag.
ME: silence
BABY BEAR: complete hysterics

ME: It's time to go brush your teeth.
MOOKA: Before you go for a walk, you might want to grab a poop bag.

You get the picture.

Parenting lesson #352

There is no such thing as preparing for professional pictures. The more you ask "show me how you are going to smile", the funnier it gets.

Honey, show me how you are going to smile for your pics tonight.



Very, funny. Let me see your real smile.



If you smile pretty, we will ride the train at the mall.



MOOKA - show me a REAL smile!



Okay, I'm being SERIOUS, let me see how you are going to smile.



If I let you take your own picture, will you smile pretty?