Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Wilderness

"There are some things that can only be learned in the wilderness."

I found this quote this week and it has really stuck with me.

You see, I have always been a fickle person. I am always curious about what else is out there and I want the next best thing. I also must be in control at all times. Both have lead me down some very bad paths. And while my life on the outside looks to be pretty peachy, I definitely recognize now that I have spent the past 12 months in a state of wilderness both with managing my finances to my relationship with my husband.

I have spent many hours in the past year trying to figure out what my next step. Many hours crying because my life wasn't turning out the way I wanted it to. Many hours just feeling lost.

But I still refused to surrender or admit that I had any real issues to deal with.

Within the past 3 months, I have been trying to not focus on what I don't have but appreciate the things I do have. And it's been during the past 3 months, that I have been able to put aside my pride and ask God for help.

And then I began to recognize the wilderness.

Without going into all of the details here, I'll try to sum it up. For the past 30 days, I had no idea where we would be living after July 1. We purchased our current home and really got in over our heads. The home sold but not without some painful lessons learned along the way. In the past 60 days, my husband had two job offers literally slip away. Essentially, as soon as I handed it over to God to deal with, things got really bad. For someone who normally has every detail planned out, living in a state of uncertainty has been a tough battle for me to face.

So, for the past 30 days, I have tried to continually focus on faith. And let me tell you, it has not been easy. But, I'm still believing.

And while I have been learning, God has kept His promises...
14 days ago, A. started a job that is significantly better than the two that slipped away.
10 days ago, we were led to the perfect house for us and yesterday I completed the paperwork to move.

I know that I will continue to grow as a wife, mother and person. Sometimes, we just have to leave our little happy place to learn those life lessons that help us grow.


G-ma said...

As I sat here reading your blog with tears in my eyes, a few thoughts com e to mind. First off, praise God for the insights He gives us on our journey with Him. Then there is the prayers of many avail much R and I along with people in our church have been praying for the struggles you have been going through, as we know christians go through trouble, but, Christ is there with us the whole way.
Just want you to know we love and support you and the family always!

Jamie said...

thinking of you during this time. i too have had to leave a lot up to god recently. it's all you can really do. oh yeah and i totally feel your money pit post! the same stuff started happening to our house just weeks before we moved. although we HAD to fix everything because we had renters moving in. ugh!